Recently I fronted and wrote a bunch of tourism videos. It's was a great laugh and we got some pretty cool footage from Australia and New Zealand. Here I am inside a zorb in Rotorua, stuck in a sheep traffic jam in the High Country and asking a horse for directions in Castle Hill, near Christchurch. Here is a montage of the Australian leg.

BUZZY BEE TV SHOW

The Buzzy Bee toy is a New Zealand icon. No surprise he's the star in a new animated series screening on TVNZ. There are thirteen 5-minute shows and one 23-minute super epsiode. I wrote four of them with Flux Animation. Find out more about the casting crew here. The series is pitched at toddlers and, despite being animated, has the orginal toys with their own scuffs, marks, and imperfections. I've written many pitches and treatments for Flux, mainly because they're good buggers! You can find a full rundown on my LinkedIn profile.

NZ GOLF MAGAZINE

Since In Search Of Swingers was released, I have written a monthly column for NZ Golf Magazine. This would be fine but for the category: humour. Below are a bunch of musings about the most frustrating game created:

DANCING WITH THE GOLFERS

Sadly, it seems people just love dancing, and there’s little we can do about it. Due to the sweltering popularity of ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ it seems highly probable that it will return for a 4th series. Names being bandied around: David Bain, Mark Ingles (don’t laugh - Heather McCartney did it) and Tana Umaga. (Please, Tana, don’t do it.)

Why such a crappy show rates through the roof (when’s there’s perfectly good golf on the other channel) is anyone’s guess. But, as they say, if you can’t beat them join 'em. Or at least dance with them. So here’s the plan: we get ESPN to showcase ‘Dancing with the Golfers.’ Only golfers. No former beauty queens. No former soap stars. And definitely no former current affairs hosts.

Here then, is the ‘Unofficial, Not At All Confirmed, Haven’t Even Called To See If They’re Available yet’ line up.

TIGER WOODS

Good at the fast numbers. Great under pressure. Prefers wearing a green jacket, even if the pasa doble requires something slightly sexier. Will only dance if Steve Williams is standing behind him, which makes for awkward telly, particularly during more sensitive moments. Tipped to make the final. Chosen charity: Save the Tiger

COLIN MONTGOMERY

If there was ever going to be someone to do the Rodney Hyde (i.e. throw their partner across the floor – and not catch them) it would have to be Colin. He does it with clubs; why not dancers? Rumoured to have two left feet, but will at least come out swinging. Not tipped to make the final. (Definitely not tipped to date his partner.) Charity: Save Scotland

JOHN DALY

John’s only the proviso for being on the show was he be allowed to dance with a donut. The producers will find him absolute hell to work with. He won’t brush his hair. He definitely won’t practice. Feared by other contestants because of his unpredictability, John will be a huge hit with the audience. Some weeks he’ll run hot, others cold. One thing’s for sure: he'll always be entertaining. Tipped to fall in love with the donut. Charity: Dunkin Donuts

BOB CHARLES

Given ‘Dancing with the Golfers’ is a local show, it’s no wonder the producers asked for a New Zealand contestant. Bob is the perfect fit. He also comes from an era when people could actually dance. Bob is a little older than most of his competitors, but this shouldn’t harm his chances any, especially with a home crowd. Charity: Left Handers Anonymous

PHIL MIKELSON

In the old days Phil used to come second in every dance competition in which he competed. In fact, it soon became a cruel joke. Phil, like Tiger, is very fond of the green jacket. Expect fights in the dressing room before they go on. Charity: It’s my Green Jacket!

GREG NORMAN

Greg has had to change his moves over the last few years, as being a great white shark has no advantage whatsoever on the dancefloor. Greg excels at the ‘quick step’ (normally away from divorce lawyers) and has been known to completely choke on the last dance of the night. Producers have banned him from wearing his trademark cowboy hat. Charity: Save my Marriage

So, how will the series go? Tiger’s wife will get jealous in the first week and ask that he remove himself from the competition. Colin Montgomery will shock everyone, proving that he can dance. Sadly, as predicted, he will punch a heckler in the crowd and be banned come finals night. Greg Norman, meanwhile, will try the rumba to the theme of ‘Jaws,’ and get eaten alive by the judges.

The final will be between the charming Bob Charles, and Mr Oreo himself, John Daly. Bob, dancing to ‘The Dog’s Show’ theme, will impress the judges with his agile moves and impressive tap dancing (no sprigs allowed). As for John, sadly finals night is a ‘cold’ day for him. Refusing to leave his hotel, he is eventually found, sitting on his bed and chopping his dance partner into pieces. (Love can be cruel.)

The winner: Bob Charles!

OUTRAGEOUS GOLFING QUESTS

Naively, I thought I was alone when embarking on a warped golfing journey across the USA. My plan, to play with whoever happened to feature on the front page of the newspaper in whatever town I happened to be staying in, was foiled only by the fact that barely any ‘Front Pagers’ had set foot on a golf course. The result, though, was a book (TEED OFF IN THE USA) and Americans who would be friends for life; the Stevie Wonder impersonator from Las Vegas; the sunflower grower from Texas; the CIA agent from Florida; and the 91-year-old Beach Queen from Savannah, Georgia.

But alone, it seems, I was not. Many golfers choose to do more than play their local links. Brit Ian Stafford’s aim, for example, was to track down Tiger Woods for a quick 18. Sadly, what Mr Stafford discovered is what we all know: Tiger’s security is tighter than a Scotsman’s wallet. (Although he does to get to shoot a round with Ernie Els and Bernard Langer. And sharing a beer with Nick Faldo and Jack Nicklaus is no mean feat.) Alas, the round with the great one would have to wait. The best Stafford could achieve (which any one of us, I’m sure, would pay a month’s wages for) was watch Tiger play a round. You can read about Stafford’s adventures in ‘THE SEARCH FOR TIGER’ (Ebury Press UK.)

Another golfing addict unafraid to put his reputation on the line was American Andre Tome. Andre’s challenge (unknown reason: midlife crisis, too many beers, bored with the drive to work) was to hit ONE golf ball across Mongolia. The total fairway distance was 2,322,000 yards; par was 11,880 strokes. Armed with only a three iron and a sense of humour, Tome spent the next 13 months walking 1000 miles, playing 12,170 strokes and losing 509 golf balls. (Trust they weren’t new Titleists.)

In summer he lay under the stars listening to choruses of howling wolves and enjoying the hospitality of nomads. I’m totally jealous how he ended up on the ‘The Today Show,’ ‘The Tonight Show,’ and ‘CNN.’ Then again, anyone who’s able to drink fermented horse milk in the 19th probably deserves it. You can read about Andre’s escapades in ‘I GOLFED ACROSS MONGOLIA’ (Thunder’s Mouth Press.)

If bunkers give you nightmares, you’d better skip this next paragraph. Namibia, known more for its deserts than golf courses, has attracted local die hards who are keen to play, knowing they’ll never see the day when their ball is teed up on a grassy piece of turf. A nine-hole course in Walvis Bay, dubbed the ‘West Side Club,’ has no greens or tees, water or grass. Despite this, youngsters turn up every day hoping to be the next Ernie Els or Tiger.

23-year-old Christopher Kuludu says he has played the informal desert track, next to the main road between Walvis Bay and tourist town Swakopmund, for eight years. He can play whenever he wants and there are no fees, (you’d bloody hope not!) unlike the nearby Walvis Bay club, one of only four grass courses in Namibia.

The course's nine holes range from 110 yards on the par 3s to about 350 yards for a par 5, although the distances, after many years, remain an educated guess. The golfers carry their own tee pegs, an allowance for the state of the "fairways," and players scour the area for fear of losing their only ball. (If pros think grass wears out their brand new Srixon, wait till they hit a few through the Namib desert.)

But you have to admire these blokes. They play in blistering hot temperatures, share second hand clubs (with all the other members) and can’t even look forward to a Coke and fish and chips in the clubhouse. ‘I know it's a rich man's game,’ explains Kuludu. ‘But we just want to try.’ Hey, Vijay did it for Fiji, why can’t Kuludu do it for Namibia?

Lastly, if you find yourself continually looking at your watch this weekend – or waiting an age to tee off, consider this: In 1981, Steve Scott, the American record-holder in the 1,500 metres, set a record for the fastest round of golf played on a regulation course, completing 18 holes in 29 minutes, 33.05 seconds at Miller Golf Course in Anaheim, California. He posted a 92. (And got home in time to see the kids.)

And speaking of outrageous golfing quests, next month I’ll be chatting with Brit Ricky Bartlett (my old cricket coach!) who’s attempting to play every course in New Zealand over the next year. And before you say, ‘A whole f*&%ing year! My wife doesn’t even let me play Sunday afternoon!’ rest assured, he has a leave pass, and his wife and family will join him for much of the way. Sounds like a nice way to spend a year, don’t you think?

PAR WARS: THE MOVIE

With the musical GOLF about to screen at Skycity in Auckland I can’t help but think the game we all know and love would be far better suited to the big screen. Think about it – golfers from all four corners converge on one super fairway in a galaxy far, far away and fight over missed putts, duffed drives and incorrect scorecards. It’s the USA versus the rest of the world, much like the President’s Cup. Only this final, unlike the civilised match which took place recently, will be decided amid explosions and light saber battles on a bunker-shaped Death Star.

The way golf should be.

Appropriate casting for such an epic is paramount. An obvious pick for Luke Skywalker is Ernie Els: confident, assured, fearless. Ernie would be captain for the international team. For his offsider and confidante, Yoda, look no further than the vertically challenged Ian Woosnam. These two veterans (Ian is 600 years old) make for an awesome pair. While Yoda may not have the best swing in the universe, he’s very apt at picking up Ernie’s ball up when he can’t be bothered reaching down.

Driver of the Millennium Falcon Golf Cart, Hans Solo (Retif Goosen) is cool, calm and collected, albeit short of his partner in crime, Chewbacca. Casting problems for Chewie soon became apparent when the producers couldn’t think of anyone that hairy on tour. They couldn’t even think of a golfer with a beard! As a result, Chewie was ditched and Yesper Parnivik, at late notice it should be said, was told to do away with the silly hat and become the irrefutably endearing but appropriately camp, C3P0.

Then there’s the baddies.

The most feared player on the Death Star tour would undoubtedly be Darth Vader, so it’s rather fitting that Tiger will adorn the helmet and silly looking cape in PAR WARS. Darth has a hell of a swing, but his short game’s not what it used to be. In fact, some commentators would go as far as to say if it weren’t for his off-putting heavy breathing on the tee, he wouldn’t have a game at all. But he does have an army of Storm troopers. And a temper. And a dirty great light saber.

They say behind every good man is a fat, slobbery sloth, and in Darth Vader’s case this immovable object with the 400-metre drive is in the form of Jabba the Hutt. Played by John Daly, Jabba enjoys winning majors, watching himself on CNN once he has, and putting away more Orioles than the Cookie Monster. (Note: all characters in PAR WARS are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Phew.)

As for plot, don’t expect too much. While Retif Goosen, Woosnam and Yesper Parnavik do their best to snatch the Presidents Cup from the Baddie’s grasp, it is all in vain. As we know, the Americans have bigger guns, a bigger army and a home crowd.

Retif (Hans Solo) is the real winner, though, because he gets the girl. Okay, she’s American, and plays for the other team, but I don’t know any man who’d have a problem with Natalie Gulbis joining you for the second nine. Even if she does happen to be Ernie’s (Luke’s sister.) If you think that subplot’s bad, wait till you see the scene where Tiger Woods turns out to be Ernie El’s father.

I know, it’s all very confusing but no more so than the Presidents Cup itself with it’s undecipherable (for me anyway) Molotov of four ball, mixed ball, Ambrose and best ball. PAR WARS – coming to a theatre near you!

(But probably not.)